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My Sine Cera Birthday Thoughts
My Darling Els,
Tomorrow is my birthday. But since you are flying solo today and yesterday, I figured you might be off tomorrow. So I wrote a quick note for you while I am free and in a celebratory mood.
Do you know that we have many things in common?
- I always go to the movies alone and sit at the front row ahead of everybody
- I take my coffee black without sugar
- I love cheese a lot
- I enjoy listening to all Taylor Swift songs
- I like goofing around
- and I usually came up with lame dad jokes for my daughters; they laughed because those jokes were so pathetic
Ie: Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France?
They were cooked in Greece (grease). LOL.
You know what? They didn't get the joke! They thought it was real. LOL.
Basically Els, I am a fun dad. So I don't mind if my jokes bombed. I am seriously playful but I am also playfully serious.
Most of the time no malice intended, just going for some good clean fun.
Once you know me better you will realize I am a pretty easy going guy.
Anyway as I told you many times, I'm not looking for a sexual relationship. I just want to wholeheartedly love you. You are my Dream Girl. Just take *[take] it all in. It's unconditional. I love making you happy. Your laughter makes my day.
* External intervention.
OK baby, I'll catch up with you later.
Hang loose ya?
SJ
4/9/19
P/s: You used to call me Sweetie. I miss that much 🙂
A Note from the Heart
Dearest Els,
Thank for being kind to me this past few days.
You made my Vision Quest meaningful again.
As you can see, having to deal with mental illness is not a small feat. I have to walk on a tight rope between fantasy and reality. This is not an easy task especially when what I imagined was real to me.
As you can see in the past, my judgement did get effected. I cannot say those thoughts were unreal. They were real to me at the point of inception. The illness comes in waves. When it happened I wasn't aware I was acting abnormally. I thought everything went on as normal.
That is why I execute every thought that comes, absurd or not because as far as I am concern, they are real.
Such is the nature of mental illness. It's not that we had gone insane, it was our perception that was altered. However if I don't execute the thought, it will fester inside me.
I hope you have the intelligence and the compassion to understand that I am a mentally handicap person when the illness strikes. The bad thing is because it is a chemical reaction, I cannot control the amplitude of the effect on my judgment.
Even now I am not sure if I should be writing this email to you. All I know is whatever thoughts that come I have to execute. Otherwise it will create an infinite loop inside my head.
It's like I am highly charged with negative ions and thus I need to ground it. In this case this email is the grounder.
I better sleep. I got a big day ahead of me. Honestly Els, from the bottom of my heart I am sorry for making you cry. You are the last person I want to hurt. I love you honey. You gave me meaning to my life after being abandoned by those that I thought were my friends.
You restored my faith in humanity again. You have a heart of gold baby. I can see it right through you. You maybe a tough cookie on the outside but deep inside you are a soft and loving person.
I will cherish you honey. You are my Florence Nightingale and my Angel of Mercy. Without your presence I am hollow.
Well, as I told you, this is the modern day version of Beauty and the Beast. As long as you can see beyond the facade, you have nothing to fear. Honey, I didn't ask to be sick. I'm glad you didn't stigmatize me like the rest of the general population. It's truly a heart breaking experience. I was treated like an outcast.
I am a person capable of loving and giving. I have an overflowing heart. All I need is somebody for me to love and to love me back. It is a sincere feeling. Almost innocent. I just want to be accepted for who I am.
Yes I admit I am unwell. There is nothing I can do about it. It's a lifelong condition. All I ask from you is to see me as a kindred spirit, a soulmate.
I am capable to overcome this condition given a chance to recover. I however need somebody who can be there as a beacon of hope for me to go through a speedy recovery.
Just like the movie Castaway, Tom Hanks managed to stay motivated to set himself free because he had the burning desire to see the love of his life again. Same with me. My daily motivation is to hear you laugh.
I will miss you dearly this next 3 weeks. I will however carry your memory with me. I just want to experience the intensity of being apart from you. To know if I truly in love with you or is it just limerence.
You take care while I'm away.
At the same time I want you to know that I love you very much my darling Els.
Avoir!
SJ
5/9/19
This is Predestined Affinity
My darling Els.
I can't sleep last night. Normally when that happened, my thoughts lingered around you.
You know something? I can prove mathematically that you and I are yuan fen (predestined affinity). Hear me out. This may sound outlandish but as I said I can prove it :)
I'm not saying this to impress you. I'm trying to impress UPON you that our paths are intertwined baby. You ready?
First and foremost You were born in 1991 and I was in 1964. You add the numbers together you get 10:10 (1+9 & 9+1), (1+9 & 6+4). We are both a 10:10 and a 20 and also 2+0 = 2. In the Chinese Zodiac, Dragon and Ram are the most compatible partners:
You were born when *[when] I was 27 = 2+7 = 9. I met you when you were 27 (a 9) and I was 54 (a 9) The year was 2018 (add that up you get an 11 and also 1+1 = 2. Same number as the years we were born). 2018 was when I was still struggling with Bipolar Affected Disorder. You came to my life as an answer to my prayer for this illness to be cured. As I told you, love conquers all. Love is the cure for my broken heart. I was a Wandering Sufi when I was hit by the illness and I thought all the while God had abandoned me.
* External intervention. Which means you are the same age as Sarah. How about that?
After 2016 although I no longer experiencing psychosis, I was in deep sorrow. I had lost my faith in God. My health was deteriorating too. And so I dig deep into researching about diet and nutrition. I read up to 35 books on the subject. Due to the extensive research, in 2017 I decided to write the eBook entitled Lose Fat Stay Fit. I was still struggling with Bipolar Disorder then. The book I published for free in Dreams of Mirrors; www.sharudinjamal.blogspot.com
It was you who rescued me Els. When I met you I was living in isolation for 8 dreadful years. I thought I was doomed (or perhaps cursed) to live a solitary life. You brought me hope again. Although at that time I was not fully cured, I had found great joy in knowing you. For every Yin, there is a Yang. For every calamity there is a blessing. It's a duality.
Now here we are, in 2019. You are 28 and I am 55. Again both of us are a 10 and 1+0 = 1. At 28 years old I started my career as a Total Quality Management Consultant. From RM48 k a year earning the year before I had almost doubled my income as a freelance consultant. It was a major breakthrough for me then.
Fast forward to this year, another major breakthrough . This is the year I'm finally cured of Bipolar after suffering for more than 20 years. Lizzie my wife had bought me a brand new car, I settled my housing loan, I finally got compensated for an investment fraud I was involved in 10 years ago and I am now debt free honey :) Basically beginning this year I am financially independent.
Now lets look at how aligned your numbers and mine:
2020 - You are 29 and I am 56. We are both 11 and 1+1 = 2
2021 - You are 30 and I am 57. We are both 3+0 and me 5+7 = 12 = 1+2 = 3
2022 - You are 31 and I am 58. We are both 4 (if you do the addition)
2023 - You are 32 and I am 59. We are both 5 (again, if you keep on adding the numbers)
In 2024 you are 33 and I am 60. Both of us are a 6. At 33 years old I made my first million. At 60, that will be my most glorious year as the Wood Double Dragon (my mom is also a dragon); the first time that year repeats after I was born.
Notice the parallelism between you age and mine? Honey, WE ARE YUAN FEN! What it means is we are soulmates destined to be together for eternity. I want you to see this. All were preordained... We were chosen to share this Path together baby.
This is great news to me. I had found my soulmate. We had been here before in a different realm (the Spiritual Realm, if you believe in such thing) and in our past lives. This proves it.
Alas, I don't want to be sounding like a madman. Therefore I am only sharing my discovery in the hope you will accept me as who I am; your soulmate. I do believe in this epiphany baby and I do love you so much. Remember Els, this is no pillow talk and I'm not here to chase you up your skirt. I SINCERELY believe in our affinity.
It's up to you now. To believe or not to believe. The choice is entirely yours honey. It won't change my feeling for you. I always love you since day one. Or should I say since the beginning of time?
You take care baby. Just ponder about it. I spend until 3:30 am writing about this eureka LOL. Just give it a thought OK?.
Later hon,
SJ
Royal Belum Adventure 2019
My darling Els,
If beach is your thing, my weekend retreats before I got sick was camping in the jungle alone. On weekends I will normally camp out for a night in the jungles of Ampang, Ulu Yam, Batang Kali, Genting and Ulu Langat. My father used to hunt deer and wild fowls in his younger days. I normally tagged along when I was a teenager. However this one was my greatest adventure still. Basically I went in as part of a ranger's routine expedition.
I took a trip to Kuala Kangsar and then veered to Pulau Banding. There was a jetty there for us to take a boat to Royal Belum. I brought with me some coloring books and crayons for the Orang Asli kids. Also I brought some raisins packed in small boxes. No sweets. We stopped at the Orang Asli settlement at Sungai Tiang. It was a quick stop. Basically to distribute the goodies to the kids and off we went.
I didn't go to the tourist spots. My mission was to be away from people. Unfortunately I need to have a ranger accompanying me to enter Royal Belum. The smallest military unit is two. Otherwise I don't mind being by myself.
We continued for 2 hours into the smaller tributary where it was real dense jungle. No human. The minute I jumped out of the boat I landed waist high in the sludge. I had to slowly lean forward and pushed myself out. Otherwise I will be sucked in deeper into the mud not unlike a quick sand. I peed at the river bank and a flock of rainbow colored butterflies surrounded my pool of urine due to the salt. The sight was sublime.
We went to the salt lick to watch deer and tapir footprints when they came to lick salt. It's actually a mount of salt as big as a tiny shack in the jungle!
We also had a chance to watch a herd of elephants at an opening the size of a football field in the middle of nowhere.
We heard a huge thump and a loud splash. So we went to check out. There was a couple of adolescent elephants playing slide by the river bank. They climbed up the bank and they slide down on their back. So cute...
I saw the Rafflesia, which is the biggest blooming flower and plenty of wild orchids. The giants like Meranti, Merbau and Tualang made me feel like a dwarf.
The 3 weeks was to check the motion sensitive cameras. The ranger was checking on the animal population in that vicinity using an industrial grade laptop to view the images from the cameras. There were shots of a sunbear, a panther, a tiger, a couple of deer and an elephant using the spoors within the 20 km radius. We had a satellite phone too. That was comforting.
Plenty of fish to eat. I thought I had to eat snakes and monkeys. Also we brought chicken curry and beef floss along with a small packet of rice. I brought oats and Jacobs Wheat Crackers too. The plastic wrappers we burned.
Would you believe I only had 2 sets of clothing for the 3 weeks? 1 set was for during the day (most of the time wet due to sweat, rain and humidity) and one set for sleeping (the dry one). They were a pair of long sleeves cotton turtleneck t-shirts and a knee length spandex. No underwear; not practical. Then I had a pair of knee high socks to avoid leeches. I also had a pair of shorts and a sarong that doubled as a blanket. Footwear was a pair of Teva hiking sandals.
I also carried 3 lighters, my Special Ops Kukri, the Buck Whittaker 437T, an otter box, a pair of mess tin, first aid kit and some water purifying tablets. Very minimal.
Special Ops Kukri
Buck Whittaker 437T
The jungle is not for people like you. It was sticky and icky especially after the third day LOL. Did you watch Survivor? Something like that. Everything is Spartan. Even the toilet was a dug out behind the bush. You dig with the machete and then once done you cover it with dirt, This was no wanderlust baby.
At night I had plenty of time to think. My ranger buddy was not much of a talker. So I lied in the flickering campfire light thinking about you most of the time. How you had changed my life. This journey was not possible without you in my heart. Occasionally there were rustles near the camp ground; a bunch of rats trying to scavenge remnants of food in the mess tin. Too dark to wash them thoroughly.
I slept with the memory of your, "I'm done-zo" in the background. Boy do I feel blessed. You made me laugh honey. I am whole again...
Three Months Vision Quest
My darling Els,
This is day two I am on my journey in pursuing my Vision Quest. I faltered even before I managed to start. Today I feel so terrible. I slept for 14 hours and didn't do much today. I am supposed to be in isolation for 90 days so that I can focus on my training.
Two days on a strict regimentation made me feel terrible. I was exhausted too. This is the initial setback before I can get into the routine of the training.
One of the things I set myself to do is to cut off all form of communication with the outside world. This is necessary if I want to condition my mind to the extensive regimentation of the training. Hence, I won't be listening to you in the Evening Drive. I need to have a clarity of purpose to achieve my cause.
Beside preparing me for a 4 hours marathon in 2020, the Vision Quest is a journey of the mind and body. Isolation is a resource. The Buddha did it, Jesus did it, Muhammad did it and of course great thinkers like Henry David Thoreau and Brend Heinrich did it.
Being in isolation is a lost tradition. With technology and the coming of social media platforms, we hardly heard of people voluntarily opted to be alone. The antithesis of isolation is not being social but rather the feeling of loneliness. There is a big difference between isolation and loneliness. Isolation is a voluntary action of solitude while loneliness is being ousted from the mainstream.
The Roman Emperor, Marcus Aurelius went on isolation and recorded his thoughts in The Meditations of Marcus Aurelius Antoninus. Until today his works are used as part of the Stoic Philosophy. Issac Newton made his discovery about gravity while he was in his countryside farmhouse at the height of the black plague when Cambridge had to be partially closed.
I'm not implying that I wi[th] make any great discovery by being in isolation. I just need sometime for myself to set course for my journey forward. This is necessary since I want to reinvent myself after going through a troubling 20 years struggling with the most insidious illness ever known to me.
I made it for 3 weeks in September. Now to see if I make it for 3 months. You may want to consider it as me going on a seafaring journey. During the time I will be spending my time reading, running and writing. Human contact is very minimal.
If everything is OK, I should be contacting you again 1/1/2020. Until then keep in mind that I love you so much as a kindred spirit. My life would have take a different turn without you kind gesture and your doting laughter.
Until then, peace out.
Since Cera,
SJ
2/10/19
No go on 3 months isolation
My darling Els,
I decided not to proceed with my intention to go on a 3 months isolation. I was miserable the whole week especially after watching the Joker.
Actually going through the isolation was not a bad idea. Unfortunately I went into a slight depression. This thing is cyclical. So I have to ride the wave. I have very little control over the fluctuations.
I'll be listening to your show. Hopefully the condition will improve.
Gosh, I hate the depression. I rather have the mania, it is a happy state.
What can I say baby. This is my life warts and all.
Later hon.
Sine cera,
SJ
7/10/19
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